Thursday, August 14, 2008

Chinese jokes about the Olympics

via this page at the UK Guardian:

By Jonathan Watts in Beijing

"On football woes:

Alas for Chinese football! Our players are like eunuchs in a brothel: no one can shoot.

The other night, I was alone at home so I shut the door, drew the curtains and started watching the Chinese football team on CCTV5. Five minutes later, I was startled to hear a key in the lock so I quickly turned the TV off. My friend came in and saw me looking very embarrassed. "Have you been watching pornography?" he said. "Oh no, of course not, never," I replied. But he was still suspicious so he turned on the TV and saw the match. "Oh my god! You were watching the Chinese team," he said. My face went bright red. "No, no, I was watching porn."

Advertisement for a television show: There has been a sudden outbreak of disease near a Beijing river, all life in the water has perished and the plants along the banks are withering. Is this because of a deadly new pesticide? Is it a chemical attack? Please tune in and watch tonight's special documentary: "Chinese footballers wash their feet in the river."

Brazil are playing China in the football. Just before kick-off, Alex Pato, the Brazilian superstar, is so confident that he says to his team: "I can handle this match by myself." So the rest of the team go to the pub for a drink. Sure enough, five minutes into the game, Pato scores. The team, watching from the bar are delighted and expected a flood of other goals. But after 90 minutes, the game ends 1-0. Pato joins up with his team-mates, looking dejected. "Cheer up," they say, "You were all alone against 11 Chinese players, yet you still won. You did a great job."

Pato refuses to be comforted. "You haven't heard the whole story. After I scored that first goal, I fouled a Chinese player and got sent off."

On having to go through it all again:

News flash on the International Olympic Committee website: Jacques Rogge is so impressed by China's great work that Beijing will also host the next Olympics in 2012. When word gets out, throngs of government officials, police, para-militaries and community workers faint to the ground. There is no one to help them because all the hospital staff are in shock. From the CCTV office to the stock market, the cry is the same: "Fuck You Rogge!"

On Olympic environmental and traffic regulations:

Pigsy took his horse for a walk one morning and came back without it. His master, monk Tong, asked him what happened. "It was taken away by the police because it farted loudly," answered Pigsy. Surprised, the monk asked why a fart was cause for a detention. Pig replied sadly, "The police were enforcing environmental protection standards controls for the Olympics. The horse's exhuast was over the limit and far too noisy. It also violated the odd-even traffic controls. Today was an even day, but our horse only has one tail."

On sporting politics (and that football team again):

The Presidents of the US and China, George Bush and Hu Jintao, are trying to outdo one another with tales of their countries' Olympic strengths:
Bush: Let's go and watch the basketball tonight!
Hu: Oh sorry, I will be busy tonight. How about we go together to see table tennis another day?
Bush: Do you have time for tomorrow's swimming events?
Hu: But I have already decided to see the diving! That's ballet in air.
Bush: Let's go and see the football!
Hu: Erm, OK, perhaps the basketball is not so bad after all."

No comments: