Monday, March 23, 2009

Fears

I fear that I'm trapped or getting trapped in a very attractive and beautiful but hermetically sealed cage. I look around my house and see that virtually all of the books I own, a hell of a lot of books in total, are either rare, used, special order or only available through specialty bookstores like those attached to major universities. Almost nothing is from right off the shelf of a big chain bookstore. Most, well many, of the books are out of print and would be very hard to recover if I were to lose them. This is what I draw a lot of my ideas from; this is where big parts of my worldview comes from. They're there, out in the world, and yet most of them are so obscure that few if any people have replicated the ideas and inspiration that for me are as normal as anything else.

They're nice, but because they're so obscure and weird I question sometimes how they'll ever be earthed and brought back to the world at large. A construct can be enjoyable, but what does it mean if a person gets in their vessel, happy as can be, and then disappears, forgotten, the ideas that he constructed and wove forgotten with him?

Balzac once made the statement through one of his characters "Now do you admit that Paris is bigger than you are?", meaning that the objective world is greater still than deep, deep, and broad subjective explorations. Which is why I'm concerned that I'm becoming more and more detached from things and not truly making what I have relevant to an outside audience.

I don't want that to happen; I want to bring all of it forward and put it in front of you all, preserve it, even if people say they don't give a damn about it, because I feel that all of this needs some documentation so that it all doesn't go to waste.

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