Thursday, November 12, 2009

Frustration, death, sex

Okay, so the death and sex part are superfluous, but the frustration is still there. Frustration with what? With the world not changing as fast as I'd like it to. You have to remember that in a lot of ways we had a do nothing president for the last eight years, one who refused any sort of domestic compromise whatsoever and who nonetheless did his thing with foreign policy to the fullest. The Bush years were filled with an alternating awareness that things were fucked up and that despite this, propaganda was repeating the idea that nothing at all was wrong whatsoever. The Bush years were simultaneously dark and demoralizing, with all of us who opposed Bush being labeled crazy, as being moonbats from another world, because we didn't buy the official line. So the pace of change was glacial. Now that we have a president who got elected through a commitment to change, the stasis is breaking up but there's still so much of that 'nothing is going on or wrong' attitude around that it feels to me like we're still immobilized.

This feeling of immobilization contains seeds of isolation, an awareness that whatever is going on out there is completely separate from my interior life here, and that my life here won't necessarily ever have that much to do directly with that life out there. Of course, the feeling is decreasing, but still the wall is inside me. The awareness is there that life is a sort of thing where futility brought on by stasis could kill a person and make them leave no trace despite the fact that within the sphere that is left they've created an interesting world that they hope to share with the rest of the world one day.

I want that day to come, and I define it not really by personal standards but instead by the ability of me or anyone else who's been laboring behind a computer screen these years or has been sharing moments of bitterness with other politically minded friends, to be able to walk out that door and be able to present all of it publicly, not furtively but in the mainstream of society. Once the exterior reality changes enough to let the interior reality of people who have been pissed off during the Bush years come through I'll be happy, because it will mean that large parts of the stasis that causes my frustration will be gone and that I'll be able to communicate in a non-futile or concealed way with people.

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